Sexual Critters Eat Ice Cream

The continuing adventures of Bailey Thomson.

---

“Humans are sexual critters.” My comparative religion teacher said that.

Sexual critters?

I haven’t heard the phrase critters in a long, long time.

Sexual critters?

He is obviously right though. He must be because it’s three a.m. and I’m sitting at a 24 hour grocery store eating ice cream with my best female friend and my ex’s best friend. I don’t know if everybody is a sexual critter but I must be. Why else would I be so annoyed with my very best friend? I just want her to go away and leave me and the ex’s best friend alone. Maybe it’s been too long since I last smoked. I should quit. I will quit. Damn! My friend is seriously annoying the hell out of me…

shut up. Shut up. Shut up! SHUT UP!

My god, its three a.m. and I’m eating store bought ice cream.

I must be a sexual critter.

I’m happy to be eating ice cream. I like ice cream. Ice cream is delicious. I scream. You scream. We all scream for ice cream. But, I’m only screaming to hide the whispers of my heart. Did I seriously just say that? “Whispers of my heart?” Could I possibly be any more ridiculous? She’s my ex’s best friend. Whispers of my heart? Don’t ever say that, think that, or talk to any one who says or thinks that, ever, ever, ever again.

I wonder if my ex’s best friend wants to be my best friend?

Good thing I didn’t ask out the girl from the party because my ex’s best friend is way more everything then that girl. She’s cuter, more whimsical, more darling, more lovely.

Take that Ernest Hemingway. Ice cream is way sexier.

shut up. Shut up. Shut up! SHUT UP!

I am so pissed right now at this little ménage a trois we got going. Of course, we’re not sleeping but three’s a crowd.

That bite had way too much caramel in it. I may have chosen this flavor but I did not choose that much caramel. I hope my ex’s best friend didn’t have a bite like mine. I hope my friend did. Maybe that’ll make her go away. Why am I being so hostile? I shouldn’t be so mad at my friend she doesn’t know how much she is annoying me at this very particular moment with this very particular beautiful girl sitting with us.

Stop.

Stop.

Stop.

You shouldn’t even be thinking about your ex’s best friend. But she does look absolutely stunning and the ice cream is extra good tonight.

The girls want to go. We’re done with our ice cream. No, they’re done. I want to finish my ice crea…

“Bailey, will you drive her home?” Drive her home?! Hell yeah! I’ll drive her home!

“Sure I can,” I answer as charmingly as possible in this state of mind.

I scream! You scream! We all scream for ice cream!

Friend you no longer annoy me.

I have to clear a seat out for her. She’ll have to sit in the back. Play this cool Bailey. Play it cool, she’s your ex’s best friend.

She’s talking about something. We’re making small talk. It’s cute. I’m so nervous.

Calm down, Bailey, she is your ex girlfriend’s very best friend in the entire world.

She’s your ex girlfriend’s very cute, whimsical, amazing, lovely, darling best friend.

We’re parked.

We’re parked and we’re still talking.

It’s almost four a.m.

We’re still talking.

She can’t possibly like me.

“We should watch this movie in Spanish sometime. Of course, we should watch it without subtitles.” No. No. No. She is your ex-girlfriend’s best friend. Although, she is incredibly cute.

“I don’t speak Spanish,…” Bad move. Horrible move. Worst move. Make it better. Make it better right now. Hurry! Before it’s too late, “… but I heard the film is beautiful. We can watch it with out subtitles.” Well played Bailey, well played indeed.

Hmm. Maybe she does like me.

Crap! She got of the car. Why’d she get out of the car? What did I do? Did I offend her? Was it an honest invitation? Or, was she just being pleasant? What did I do?

“Come on Bailey, give me a hug. It’s late and I want to go to bed.” I should get out. I should get out. Don’t look too eager. Remember, she is your ex’s best friend. She’s just being nice. She’s only your friend. Alright, you’re out of the car now hug her.

Things are quiet after the hug. Did she like the hug? Does she like me? I didn’t pat her on the back, that’s good for indicating we should be more then friends. She didn’t pat me on the back.

We make more small talk.

I hug her again. This hug is lasting longer then the last did.

Get back in the car. Now. Before you wear out your welcome. Bailey, its late let her go to bed.

Amazing, she’s even beautiful walking to the door.

She’s looking back at me. She’s smiling at me. She’s waving at me.

Deep breaths.

In.

Out.

In.

Out.

Sexual critters may eat ice cream, but she is your ex-girlfriend’s ex.

In.

Out.